Rich in Love

Dear Mom…

It’s taken a while to finally start writing – and on some level I know I’ve been putting it off as I know it’s going to be a very emotional experience every time I decide to.  But, it seemed like a fitting time to begin as it’s been exactly one month since you began your journey to the stars. I’m sitting along the river by the Tacoma Bridge and Somewhere Over the Rainbow is playing on your playlist…

Not sure where I’m going to begin – there’s a lot of stuff swirling around my head and my heart, so I guess I”m going to start typing and see what happens…

A memory.

I don’t know if you remember this moment or not, but it’s forever burned into my heart.  It was getting close to the end and you were kinda in and out of consciousness most days.  I’d come in and we’d listen to music while I held your hand.  Sometimes I chatted with you, sometimes we just hung out – it seemed like there was always someone coming in or out of the room to check something, run a test, administer medicine, etc… This particular afternoon was pretty quiet though, pretty much just me and you, and our Spotify playlist.  You weren’t too responsive, your body must have been exhausted from everything going on inside it and your spirit was no doubt tired from the frustration of not being able to speak, move, get some sun, or even have the coffee you’d kept asking me for… I can’t imagine what that must have been like for you.

I was reading to you all the comments people had shared on Facebook when I asked them to finish the sentence ‘What I love most about Eileen is….’  SO many people responded with things like ‘her eyes’, ‘her smile’, ‘her spirit’, etc, but the underlying theme was ‘love’ – how much love you had inside you and how much love you’d given the world.  Mom, you have SO many people in the world that love you.  I’ll admit there were even times this summer I was overwhelmed by all the outreach, how many people wanted to know your status, how you were doing, pass along thoughts/love etc… My phone was buzzing non stop and there were times I wanted to just smash it against a rock, there was so much going on.  But that afternoon there we were, just us sitting together, no interruptions, and while sharing everything that everyone said they loved about you I got completely overwhelmed again.  Not from stress or frustration this time, but from the sheer amount of love that you’d inspired.  With tears streaming down my face, the memory of an old conversation came rushing back, shaking my body with the force of a bolt of lightning…

As I was holding your hand, I was reminded of something that you used to say when we were kids.  I’d be complaining about us not having any money, how I hated being poor… and you said, ‘Bri, we don’t have much money, but we’re Rich in Love’… As a 10,11,12 year old, I remember really hating when you said this.  Love wasn’t going to get me a Nintendo game.  Love wasn’t going to get me a pair of sneakers I thought might make me cooler at school.  ‘Rich in Love’ frustrated me to no end.  I’d tell you that you just didn’t get it, then stomp off – this was yet another thing I felt was wrong with my life that was simply just ‘your fault’…  Now, I hadn’t thought about this phrase in many many years, but in that moment I was 12 again, hearing you say ‘We don’t have much money, but we’re Rich in Love’.  And this time I didn’t stomp off, I smiled and gave you a hug and said…. ‘I understand’.

This, of course, was all going on inside my head and so after taking a few breaths to compose myself, I shared my realization with you out loud.  As your medicine had been increased that morning, you were still in a pretty far off place, just kinda laying there… But as I finished my story and said, ‘Thank you Mom for teaching me what ‘Rich in Love’ really meant’ and that I finally understood – you ‘woke up’ for just a moment with the biggest smile on your face and squeezed my hand so tightly… then drifted back off to sleep.

‘Rich in Love’.  Mom, you were a billionaire…

And it’s not even like you were trying.  You were just a really, really good person.  Someone who genuinely cared.

Thank you.

And that’s why this has been so hard for so many of us.  Because of the never ending amount of love that existed in every one of your relationships.  And while of course there is sadness on one side of this experience, this is still such a beautiful thing.  The pain we all feel exists because of the amount of love – and the purity and intensity of that love – on the other side.  If you were ‘just another person’ we knew, this wouldn’t be as bad.  This is such a crushing blow because of how beautiful you were in life, how giving, how caring… how loving.  So while I do still often sit in sadness, even that is actually one more thing I have to thank you for.  Personally, I’m grateful that I have the capacity to feel so much, to experience so much emotion – this hasn’t always been the case in my life.  Many years I had a stone fortress around my heart and didn’t/couldn’t really feel much at all.  And here I sit, in the sunshine along the water, tears running down my cheeks, with a heavy heart yet a smile on my face… feeling EVERYTHING, and feeling it so intensely.  This doesn’t happen without YOU – not just teaching me – but showing me how to love, so I might finally start realizing how Rich I am myself.  And after all this, the love I’ve been shown by my own friends/family and even the random people I just happened to meet once somewhere along the way… all of this makes me feel like the richest man in the world.

Love, Brian

All,

I know it’s so hard to know what to say at a time like this – most tend to say ‘I’m sorry for your loss’… But… I’d invite everyone to reframe this statement.  Please don’t be sorry, be happy.  Be happy for our GAIN.  We haven’t ‘lost’ anything… Maybe the ability to pick up a phone and physically speak, but that’s about it.  Close your eyes, you can see her.  Go into your heart, you can feel her.  Listen closely, you can hear her.  Mom isn’t gone.  We haven’t ‘lost’ our dear Mom, Wife, Sister, Nana, Aunt, Friend, etc…  She is alive in each and every one of us that loves her.  That was her gift to the the world, to us… herself.  She gave us all a piece of her soul… her love.  And in this, she lives forever.  I love you Mom.  We love you Eileen.

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To any of Mom’s friends reading this – whether we’ve had the pleasure of meeting in person, or just via Facebook – Thank you for the love you showed our Mom.  I know she meant the world to you, and I can confidently say that you meant the world to her as well.  And thank you for all the love you showed us as well this summer as we made our way through a very challenging situation.  

Finally… Thank you, Mom.  For showing the world a path to true riches… a path to love.